Organizing my thoughts

I'm still in the process of writing up the report on my interview with Lloyd. He brought a lot of great things to the table. In the meantime I am having some personal issues that I feel the need to talk about. I'm fighting some hardcore inner demons right now and it could just be this crap weather getting me down but for now I'll just have to deal with it until another sunny day.

I don't know what I want to do with school. I don't know if I want to go to MUN or if it's just all these positive affirmations pushing me along until finally I need to want it for myself. There is so much pressure on me. I know everyone wants me to go to MUN, but do I want to go? I'm not saying I don't, I'm just saying I don't know if I want to do it for myself. I'm hoping this summer I can do some solo traveling to try to figure out exactly what it is that I want for me. I would like to go to a different school- somewhere outside of the province so I could experience a new place as well as do some schooling. I would like a school that's a bit smaller too. From my experience I work more successfully in smaller facilities, however, I've changed a lot since I was in a big facility (at the time, high school was big), so maybe I would do good in a big place. I know I have the brains to do whatever it is that i want to do- but WHAT I want to do is the question. I chose biology because I am doing really good at it.. Getting good grades makes me feel good. BUt do I want to do biology? What is my heart telling me? I want to teach! I know that! I want to change things! I know that! ...

I posted this on my facebook about a week ago.

"MUN or CONA....
MUN or CONA....
???????????????
Mun has lots of great things.... Cona is more affordable....
Mun has a gym with a pool..... Cona has programs that will offer me quick reward.
Mun will be a lot more work.... But in the end it will be more satisfactory...
But Cona would allow me time to travel and see the world....
But Mun has a great reputation...
Cona will allow me to get a well-paying job within the next 3-4 years..
Mun will take longer.... But there's such a diverse culture at Mun....

What do I cherish more?
Making a difference in the world... Or developing myself spiritually and artistically.
Spending my time helping others... Or devoting my time to myself and my family.
Working hard for a long time for a big goal....
Working hard every day for instant gratification...

I DON'T KNOW AHHHHH.
I don't want to be in debt, I'm already living on my own and paying bills and all that... Just to add a STUDENT LOAN on top of that!? If I go to Cona it's feasible that I could save up the money this summer.... Cona is smaller, and I work better in smaller, more hands-on environments... I could always go to Cona and do a course that allows me to transfer my credits if I desire so...
I'm so torn. I don't know what to do..
Then there's the whole other idea of perhaps applying somewhere OUTSIDE of the city... Being able to go to school while I travel and see a new place.. That sounds too ideal.. I
Any advice is welcomed....
*sigh*
-Overwhelmed Linda"

I got some really nice replies:

"Linda - I sympathize with your dilemma. But it's wonderful that you're keeping school as a priority in your life. I'm very proud of you.

The big question is what are you interested in? What courses do you want to study? What is your passion? It's ok if you don't know yet, but you may have a general idea.

One thing is for sure, you'll do better and spend more time on your studies if it is something that you enjoy and something that challenges you. Don't go for something because you think it might be easier than something else you're really interested in. I should know because that's the mistake I made.

Also, if you put the practical questions out of your mind - like money, length of time to get a degree, etc - what does your heart tell you?

I hope this helps a bit.

Love, Aunt Robin"

and

"Dear Linda,

Just read your thoughts re your future. For most, at your age, this is quite the dilemma. Many cannot pursue what they'd really like to do for many reasons - financial mainly.

You've expressed a interest in biology in the past. You've been involved with the business world, particularly the restaurant business. There are many courses available both at CONA and MUN. Like Aunt Robin, I feel that your path should follow where your interests lie. Sometimes it's hard to figure that out.

You have a very supportive, loving family who will be there to help you. But it is up to you to make the decision. The decision you make now and go through with, won't necessarily be what you end up doing but it'll contribute to expanding your world and getting you to the place you should be. I know that you are a very sensitive, caring young lady and you will succeed in whatever path you choose.

God bless you,
Love
Nanny"

and

"Hi Linda,
Uncle Mike and myself found that it's hard to decide at 19 what you really want to do the rest of your life. Don't feel bad if you decide something and it doesn't work out or you change your mind. But you will be gaining experience whatever you do.
Uncle Mike is one of the smartest (and stubbornest (sp?)) guy I know and he didn't finish his degree. He is going to finish it correspondence because he wants to further advance in Management within our institution. There is always time to get more education no matter what your age.
You will make the right decision.

Love you"



I need to choose what I want for me, what I love.. But I feel as if in order to actually know what i want I need to spend some time alone, away from here, without any influences except my own.
Perhaps I can get that out of my system this summer. Maybe not though. But everyone is so excited.

The pressure is on.